It’s a sad feeling knowing that my first Father’s Day will be one of more sorrow and grief. Not a minute goes by when I don’t think of you; what you would’ve been like; how wrapped round your tiny little finger I would be; the pain of you passing in our arms as we finally said goodbye after just 60 hours with us…
I have no plans for Sunday, other than going to see you to let you know how loved you still are and how you’ll always be our first born, our eldest daughter. I might spend some time in the nursery, still decorated ready for our beautiful baby to arrive home, spaces on the wall waiting for pictures of pink or blue depending on what we had. I can imagine the amount of pink in there already and how it would be spilling into the rest of the house, you and your mum slowly redecorating with sparkles and glitter.
I will try and wrestle with the joys of you being so beautiful, the elation I felt when you were born as I got to cut your cord and tell your mum that we’d got a girl, the prettiest little girl I have ever seen and you were mine…we’d created you and I was so so proud, I could barely stop the tears of joy flowing. But then the sadness as it all went horribly wrong, how we clung onto every ounce of hope in our body’s that you’d be ok. It wasn’t to be, and the sadness sets back in and the heart ache continues as I remember what should be. You should be with us, you should be bossing me around, waking us up at all hours for a feed or a snuggle. I should be complaining that we don’t get any sleep and we’re walking round like extras from horror films. But what I wouldn’t give to be in that position now…
So I really don’t know how I’ll spend most of Father’s Day, but you can rest assured that I’ll be thinking of you from the moment I wake to when I finally fall back to sleep later that night.
In the meantime, I’ve tried to put a bit of a short poem together for you. I’m sure you’ll hear it and roll your eyes, groaning. But hey, it’s only the sort of stuff your mum has to put up with so you can have a bit too…
How much I miss you every day; my
Aching heart really wants to say; I
Really want those daddy daughter cuddles
Loving life; splashing in puddles; our
Eternal love is what we have for you
Your mummy and daddy, Kev and Lou
I miss you so much Harley, my beautiful, brave little princess xxx